Special election guide

May 2, 2022 at 8:04 am | Posted in alaska, politics, satire, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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It’s not often that we receive a ballot with 48 candidates for one office! Never voted in a California “jungle primary” or anything like one. It can be confusing if you are undecided — so as a public service, a quick take and brief candidate statement from each of them.

Note: the order was determined by starting with a letter blindly drawn from a Scrabble game, and alphabetical henceforth.

Ornelas, Robert
Party affiliation: American Independent
Quick take: fundie carpetbagger
Candidate Statement: “This election is about what voters consider important, from CRT to abortion to second amendment rights to freedom to inflict your religious beliefs on others. My experience running in high-profile races in several states will help me to win this! Heh — kidding! I’ll be ecstatic to get 0.5%! That would be righteous!”

Palin, Sarah
Party Affiliation: Republican
Quick take: yesterday’s papers
Candidate Statement: “If you’re not in it you’re out of it and while I have not been in it I’ve actually stayed in it, very active in thoughts and prayers for the state of our state and great country the greatest on earth and constantly under attack by the unhinged left and their minions such as AOC and Joe Biden and all of the Hollywood elite and I will counter all that and never — or, maybe, it depends — quit.”

Pellegrini, Silvio
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: cipher
Candidate Statement: “Some transmission systems contain multipliers, which amplify a signal prior to re-transmission, or regenerators, which attempt to reconstruct and re-shape the coded message before re-transmission. In a crisis, military officials send a coded message to the bunkers, switching on the dead hand.”

Peltola, Mary
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Bush Dem
Candidate Statement: “The Yup’ik have a word for conflicted but didn’t have time to dwell on it. Is Lisa Murkowski one of the greatest leaders of her generation, or the best we can do under the circumstances? Is some amount of compromise worthwhile in pursuit of recognition and the destiny of our culture and region? Or is it more, give them an inch and they’ll take a mile?”

Revak, Joshua
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Reddest of the red
Candidate Statement: “When you’re looking to replace the rudest, crudest, slavishly incoherent, larger than life and longest-serving buffoon the US House has ever seen with more of the same — I’m your man! I’ll kick those Blueheads to the curb every two years for the next 24 elections! I interned in Young’s office and when I take over everything will remain just as it is! Alaskans are fans of continuity. And bumbling and red-hot rhetoric!”

Sumner, Maxwell
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: No camo required
Candidate Statement: “The drunken sailors in Juneau will return to port someday to find their sad shanties and the corpus of representative government have been moved to where the people of the Mat-Su — the meth-heads, rednecks, gun-toting, government-hating, God-fearing, truck-driving monsters and soccer mommies — can keep an eye on them and their nefarious agenda.”

Sweeney, Tara
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: DC insider
Candidate Statement: “I’m here to explain the difference between the real Alaska and the idea of Alaska. Dependency vs self-reliance, pristine and unspoiled vs open for development, connected to the landscape vs exploitation. Whose side am I on, anyway? The real Alaskans, and all those who appreciate the idea of Alaska and whatever that may mean to them — the qualities it instills — all the insanity and breathtaking grandeur.”

Thistle, David
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Wind generator
Candidate Statement: “GOD bless you. GOD bless TEXAS.  GOD bless California. GOD bless Alaska except for the bears and the Democrats. And, GOD bless the United States of America.”

Thomas, Ernest
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Scrappy
Candidate Statement: “Alaska’s a young state; still, it doesn’t take long to accumulate piles of obsolete approaches. Politics is messy. We need to clearly know what to keep and what to throw away. The traditional role of our delegation as the hoarder of the state’s resources and our national standing is at stake.”

Trotter, Richard
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Fundie burgher
Candidate Statement: “Some say Alaska is one of the top five least religious states in the country, and its multicultural array is the opposite of a Christian mono-culture. Our response at Alaska Family Council is: let’s not get carried away.”

Welter, Bradley
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Beyond obscure
Candidate Statement: “I am an enigma wrapped in a conundrum and trumped by an opt-out clause. Campaign website? Social media? Bwaaa-ha-haa! I dare you to try to find out anything about me.”

Williams, Jason
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Almost nonexistent
Candidate Statement: “I do have a campaign website but it is a blank page! Either I am an open blank book, or the website is still under development, or the website developers were not paid. Check back later to find out which it is, or move along to somebody else.”

Woodward, Jo
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Bone to pick
Candidate Statement: “I do not want to witness ALASKA becoming another lower forty eight state. With old, vacant, dilapadated buildings, polluted waters, etc. — especially if it is New Jersey and we have to put up with a fat, ignorant douche of a governor for eight years.”

Wool, Adam
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Maybe a little bull
Candidate Statement: “For many years I owned a bar in Ester that was famous for having a gigantic frickin’ wood stove that could burn a half-chord of wood at a time. In all things, moderation, right? Sometimes you just have to let your freak flag fly!”

Wright, Stephen
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Wingnut
Candidate Statement: “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end — not sure how I got there? I have a friend who is a radio DJ — when we drive through a tunnel I can’t hear him talk.”

Aguayo, Dennis
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Wait, what?
Candidate Statement: “We flew with the tribe of fur babies — in 2006 we arrived in Alaska, first Anchorage then made are way to the Kenai Peninsula, where we purchased are home in Nikiski. My wife is a great practical joker and there have been a bunch of people calling and congratulating me for running for office — something I would never do in a million years! I’m simple country folk, not ready for taking the country back in DC.”

Armstrong, Jay
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: wingnut
Candidate Statement: “Just like ALL Western States, Alaska has been ‘captured’ by the Feds not Constitutional Statehood agreements and are in fact States in ‘Waiting’. Elect me and be free! I’ll be free as well, since there’s no way I’m going to be part of an illegitimate government.”

Beal, Brian
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: another empty flannel
Candidate Statement: “Running for office is a passionate pastime for me. Some go to the rifle range, some blow up the News-Minus comments section. Me, I file another candidate declaration. What is it this time? Congressman for all of Alaska? Sure, that suits me to a T.”

Beck, Tim
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: OK, boomer
Candidate Statement: “The bridges to nowhere got a bum rap. That’s treehugger nonsense! All of our plans involve making inroads to little nowhere-villes, for nobody. That’s what built America from the ground up!”

Begich, Nick
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Wingnut
Candidate Statement: “Yes, I’m part of the Begich family, perhaps the most well-known Democratic political dynasty in the state. I’m not a Democrat, though. Seriously! Current projects — working on the links between Scientology, chemtrails and extraterrestrials. Did I mention I am a Republican?”

Brelsford, Gregg
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Makes sense [shudder]
Candidate Statement: “I’m hoping that a few well-placed bromides and the headshot with white hair will be enough for Alaskans on the fence and they won’t scroll to the end where I profess support for the Arts.”

Brown, Robert
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Waiting to jell
Candidate Statement: “Campaign, shmampaign. Signs, mailers, web presence, talking to the media — all dealing with Liberals who only want to distort what I’m saying and bend me to their agenda! Nope, sorry, not going there!”

Bye, Chris
Party affiliation: Libertarian
Quick take: Textbook Libertarian dogma
Candidate Statement: “Libertarianism is one part fantasy, one part outsider and one part anarchist. If you wonder how all this co-exists and thrives — it has its issues. On my campaign site I acknowledge impending environmental collapse [sort of] by saying we ought to double-down on oil, coal and nuclear. At least I put more than a single paragraph on the site, as weird as it gets.”

Callahan, John
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Just kidding
Candidate Statement: “My one-sentence website only has that General Sherman quote: ‘If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve.’ Not sure what it has to do with this special election, in which there is not a nomination process and one only has to file an intent to run — which I have done. What happens next? I guess we will have to wait and find out!”

Carle, Arlene
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Winging it
Candidate Statement: “How about a car that runs on Liberal tears? What happens to the escalator when the basement fills up with stairs? I wanted to buy an electric car but I needed a longer extension cord. Let’s talk about Global Cooling for a minute. Give me a break!”

Claus, Santa
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Democratic Socialist
Candidate Statement: “I know what you’re thinking, but if one lives here one goes with the theme, and the name and white beard and jelly belly are de rigeur. I don’t have to tell you what to do — wishing for something? Anything? World peace, an end to tyranny, sharing the wealth, saving our home? Just put it in a letter and drop it in the mail to me here at North Pole. One of my elven bros will read it to me and I will direct an appropriate policy initiative.”

Coghill, John
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: R-mod
Candidate Statement: “Nenana, oh bama, cabana Bananarama — I can never remember all the words. We have a wonderful railroad depot building, a 100-year old trestle flung high above a deep-running river, a tripod ice breakup guessing game around longer than that, and my family’s grocery store that is preserved in ether. Not sure what more one could want or expect except if it’s fiscal sanity.”

Constant, Christopher
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Dogged persistence
Candidate Statement: “If you show up to the Assembly with an axe to grind, a posse of church ladies and a belligerent stupor, we just might table debate indefinitely. The last two years have sent me willy-nilly back to my canine companions after meeting’s end. You know that cat Mayor of Talkeetna? My staff are all going to be dogs. A German Shepherd for Press Secretary [pays attention like nobody’s business], Doberman Pinscher Chief of Staff [unquestionable loyalty and follow-through] and Special Assistant Labrador-Husky. How could it be anybody else? About 20 times as effective as any human being.”

Dutchess, Lady Donna
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Marianne Williamson minus intellectual rigor
Candidate Statement: “We are ourselves capable of resisting those who want to limit our potential. We have to learn to fly in the rain and the dark. We have to dare to dream of a better world where we are all one! All-one!”

Florshutz, Otto
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: second effort
Candidate Statement: “I’m running a grassroots campaign, and it’s kind of a word-of-mouth campaign. I do not have a lot of money. I’m not even accepting money from people. Is this because I want to fail or am I philosophically opposed to fundraising? Or some other reason I’m still trying to figure out?”

Foster, Laurel
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Captain Obvious
Candidate Statement: “The state of our political climate is in dire need of change. Focus has shifted from the needs of everyday, ordinary Alaskans to the political parties who serve agendas not always in line with the needs of the people. And wait until I find out the rest of what’s really going on!”

Gibbons, Thomas
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Man of mystery
Candidate Statement: “When in the course of human events it becomes unnecessary to explain oneself, a dystopian landscape will unfold for all to behold and exist without trifle or unwanted interference. For some of us, that time is already upon us.”

Griffin, Karyn
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Sincere, standoffish
Candidate Statement: “I know in all honesty, I don’t have a shot in the dark at this. Or a shot in the light. Wouldn’t it be weird if I could flip the script, though? Woah!”

Gross, Al
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Hunting for votes
Candidate Statement: “Are you aware? I shot that bear. You mean with a tranquilizer dart, and then helicoptered it out to the base of Mt. Susitna? No, Dad — I shot it, DEAD! KA-BLAAAM!! And it does not get more Alaskan than that, try as you may, come as you are, hell-bent for weather.”

Halcro, Andrew
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: R-mod, erudite
Candidate Statement: “‘And let he who is without sin cast the first stone,’ they said unto the air and all present. And you know — we chucked that mother! With no hesitation, grief, or reconsideration.”

Heintz, Ted
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Wingnut
Candidate Statement: “Booting Biden will be top priority. Impeachment proceedings begin in the House. Bring on the dancing horses and the subpoenas!”

Hibler, William
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: mole from the ministry
Candidate statement: “This is no way to run a democracy. I’m a Truman Democrat [voted for him, in fact] turned Republican plant. My best friend is a dog and I’m joining him in barking up all the wrong trees, trying to convince Congress that Climate Change is a real thing.”

Howe, John
Party affiliation: Alaskan Independence
Quick take: wingnut
Candidate Statement: “The government; Federal, State, borough, city, all are thieves.  Even when the spending comes from a vote of the people it is stealing, the only difference is those that voted for spending are now also guilty. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.”

Hughes, David
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: gone, daddy, gone
Candidate Statement: “I’m either a Christian Counselor in Raleigh, NC; a retired UAF professor with a ham radio hobby or I died in 1930 at age 52. Or maybe all three. It’s for me to know and you to try to find out.”

Knight, Don
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: Same as the old Don
Candidate Statement: “My email address is A New Don for Alaska. I can’t be bothered with any other outreach for this hopeless, lackluster attempt to impress my relatives and friends. Be charitable.”

Lowenfels, Jeff
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: One for the compost bin
Candidate Statement: “I know the garden very well. I have worked in it all of my life. It’s a good garden and a healthy one; its trees are healthy and so are its shrubs and flowers, as long as they are trimmed and watered in the right seasons. I do agree with the President: everything in it will grow strong in due course. And there is still plenty of room in it for new trees and new flowers of all kinds.”

Courtesy alskansvotebob.com

Lyons, Robert
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Wingnut
Candidate Statement: “I’m an honest day of hard work, fighting words and true Patriot taking back my country from the special interests at the barrel of a gun if necessary candidate — yours truly — so humble and able even when I’m goofing around with selfies or just fucking the dog.”

McCabe, Anne
Party affiliation: Nonpartisan
Quick take: R-mod
Candidate Statement: “What really motivated me to run this year is how divided our country has become. I’m really passionate about bringing people together to solve problems. Not that we can agree about what’s a problem and what isn’t. Or why, or how much or whether the world is four billion years old or 6,000. Well, have to start somewhere! Or else you will run from the room screaming!”

Melander, Mikel
Party affiliation: Republican
Quick take: Rancher without a cause
Candidate Statement: “What’s a guy who runs a bison ranch doing in the race? It’s got to be about more than run-ins with federal meat inspectors, doesn’t it? Well, not necessarily.”

Mettler, Sherry
Party affiliation: Undeclared
Quick take: Wingnut
Candidate Statement: “She really has the most amazing ability to write testimonials for herself.”

Milligan, Mike
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Road to nowhere
Candidate Statement: “I firmly believe that going into the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is a mistake not only for Alaska’s reputation, but will ultimately hurt our Alaskan oil industry. Saying this used to be considered political suicide in this state. Maybe it still is, but it shouldn’t be.”

Myers, J.R.
Party affiliation: Libertarian
Quick take: Libertarian’s Libertarian
Candidate Statement: “My website has it all, from a news blog of national Libertarians and other splinter party activities to a humorous, self-effacing biography with none of the misspellings, tortured writing, sophomoric ramblings that characterize wingnut sites. The anti-war stance is of course, admirable. And just when you think this all sounds reasonable, I’ll start talking about limited government and the economy and it becomes a sort of descent into madness.”

Notti, Emil
Party affiliation: Democrat
Quick take: Remarkable
Candidate Statement: “I ran against Don Young the last time Alaska had a special election for the lone congressional seat, 49 years ago and almost beat him. I should have. Sometimes life gives you second chances.”


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